Donald Adamson Poetry Blog

[For Burns Night (25th January), a Scottish vision of hell]

APOCALYPSE BLAW

Ah wis sleepin like a log, Ah wis sleepin like the deid
When a muckle pipe band cam marchin thru ma heid:
Marchin by the thoosand and the thoosand and one,
Kilts and tartans a-shimmer in the sun.
Nyaa, nyaa-na-naana-na –
The pipes and drums, the pipes and drums,
Ma heid’s near splittin wi the pipes and drums.

They cam frae the north, they cam frae the sooth,
The noise in ma heid wis like a drill thru ma tooth.
They cam frae the east, they cam frae the west,
A bag-blawers’ epiphany, a drum-dunters’ fest.
Nyaa, nyaa-na-naana-na –
The pipes and drums, the pipes and drums,
Cannae get sleepin for the pipes and drums.

‘Is this the Apocalypse?’ Ah heard masel say,
‘Is this St Andrew’s or the Judgement Day?’
As ower the horizon mair pipers cam pipin
And the sky grew dark and there was thunner and lightnin
And the michty heid o aa bands frae a clood appeared:
A big drum major wi a John Knox beard.
Nyaa, nyaa-na-naana-na –
The pipes and drums, the pipes and drums,
John Knox presidin ower the pipes and drums.

He had a stick he twirled roon, he twirled it wide and high,
He glowered doon upon the band and on them cast an eye.
‘Ye played a bum note,’ he said tae yin belaw him,
And the puir wretch trembled tae think whit wid befaa him:
For every bum note ye play’s recorded in a jotter,
And ye can be ejected like a stane frae a stotter.
Nyaa, nyaa-na-naana-na –
The pipes and drums, the pipes and drums,
Nae bum notes in the pipes and drums,
The pipes and drums, the pipes and drums,
Ye’ll get yer walkin ticket frae the pipes and drums.

Ma hair was stuid up on ma heid, the sweit was rinnin aff me,
Ah’d never clapped ma een on a scene hauf sae ghastly.
But noo the soun was fadin as the day wis dawin
And Ah started tae recover as the cock wis crawin.
Nyaa, nyaa-na-naana-na –
The pipes and drums, the pipes and drums,
A wee bit fainter noo the pipes and drums –

But Satan’s aye mischevious, and giein the bags a squeeze
And whyles Ah hear a skirl in the morning breeze:
Nyaa, nyaa-na-naana-na –
The pipes and drums, the pipes and drums,
Still a wee skirl frae the pipes and drums,
The pipes and drums, the pipes and drums …